Dear Alcohol, I no longer blame you, I thank you.
I started drinking when I was in grade 6- coolers. They were yummy, they made me feel sorta free and for some reason, I was allowed (don’t ask!)
The coolers helped me feel worry-free. Almost as if I could be myself without fearing judgement. What a HORRIBLE belief to place around such a destructive substance at such a young age. Nevertheless, it stuck, and I fully believed it.
I didn’t always fit in. In fact, I was bullied and made fun of constantly. Here are a few things people would say to me on the daily:
Mop head (because of my curly hair).
No one likes you.
I even had a guy ask me to be his girlfriend, on a dare, and as soon as I said yes he laughed in my face and said something along the lines of “do you actually think I would date you? That was a joke. You’re ugly and no one likes you.”
NICE! What a great warm and fuzzy feeling that created in my stomach. Not…
I had people stalk me, egg me, call me daily to say they were going “to kill me, beat me up, and destroy who I was.” A group of girls even came to my house and spray painted a “picture” of me on my driveway writing “= dead”, whiling proceeding to throw eggs at my house.
I never understood how people could be so mean.
I also never really
felt like I belonged.
On top of that, being sensitive as it was, I took on a lot of peoples problems and feelings.
Growing up with a dad who was in and out of jail and who
battled with addictions and alcoholism, was very difficult for me (us). I felt
so SAD for him, for our family and for some reason, for myself.
I had daily panic attacks. I constantly worried, “is my dad going to be dead today? Is he ever going to get sober? Is he going to be okay?” So many broken promises and disappointments.
So, with the constant worry, the over sensitive personality, and the apparent inability to fit in while being myself, I came up with a new identity- be whoever I need to be in order to fit in and be liked.
I didn’t always know how to do this. It was hard trying to be someone else all the time. So, when I drank, I didn’t need to think about any of that or try to be someone else. The alcohol numbed me and freed me. I didn’t feel other peoples feelings. I didn’t pay attention to what was going on around me. I didn’t need to worry, about anything. I was free- or so I thought.
Alcohol was my friend I thought- and I abused the heck out of it.
I didn’t know what “moderation” was. I was an all or nothing kinda gal. Which meant, I was either not going to drink or I was going to drink everything in sight until I threw up, passed out, and didn’t remember a thing. It was very rare though that I chose the “not-drinking” route. I couldn’t handle being sober around people. I had too much fear and anxiety around not fitting in, being judged, and being bullied. Also, my overwhelming fears around… everything was constant.
I soon realized that alcohol was making things worse for me.
At first, it was fun. I would drink, party, laugh and get along. I was happy, and I had a lot of friends!
But then, I was sad. Really sad.
Then when I drank, I would cry, try to hurt myself (cut my wrists, jump in front of cars, and be totally reckless) and make a total ass out of myself. Alcohol poising and all. I would wake up in random places, with random people, with vomit all. over. myself. HOW AWFUL!
If my old friends and my family are reading this, I am sorry. So sorry.
The drinking got worst and the depression got worst. The more I drank, the “braver” I became- brave enough to want to kill myself.
I destroyed most of the relationships I had with friends, because of my drinking and depression.
I forgive myself now and looking back, it was the best for me because I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am today without having gone through all of that. Being alone had given me time to reflect, become stronger, and assess my true relationship with myself, and with alcohol. Also, getting pregnant with my son 5 years ago was a true blessing.
Trust me, I could talk about this for daysss, but I won’t. In another blog post, I will talk about the linkage between depression and alcohol- but for now, I simply wanted to share my (short version) experience with it.
I’m so freaking proud to say that I no longer drink. I haven’t quit fully, however, 99% of the time I choose to say “no thank you”. If I do drink now, it may be a slushy drink or sangria. However, I’m realizing now that I could go the rest of my life with no alcohol and I would be completely okay with that! Gone are the days of drinking more than 1 drink in an evening.
If you have suffered, or are currently suffering from alcohol addiction, I am here for you, and I am sorry. Please know that it doesn’t have to be this way forever. Sometimes the pain can seem too scary and painful to face without it, or life won’t be as “fun”, but I promise you that life is so much brighter without it. Please reach out for help- you’re not alone. And as always, thank you for following along on my journey- I hope this has helped.
If you know of anyone who could benefit from reading this, please share it with them- I would be very grateful.
With Love & Gratitude,
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