The Monster in My Head & the Song That Gave Me Hope

“You gotta have f.a.i.t.h, you gotta have faith” is a song we used to sing in bible camp when I was younger, with my cousin, my little sister and my grandma. I’ll tell you about why I’m mentioning this song, in a few minutes. 

It was November last year and I felt like I had reached my rock bottom. I thought I had hit it before but turns out there is always another level.

I layed in bed just imagining myself ending my life once and for all. These thoughts had crept in my mind over and over again- for years. But this time was different. I felt as though I had lost all hope. That voice that kept pushing me further and further into darkness is the voice I refer to as being the Monster inside my head.

Where was this coming from? I thought.

Why did I feel this way? 

I didn’t want to die but the Monster kept telling me otherwise. It was terrifying and I was so scared of what I might do if I didn’t do something to change these thoughts. Turns out that Monsters aren’t just the ones we talk about as being the scary things that live under our beds.

I’ve come to realize that we all have Monsters living inside our minds, and the more we give it our focus and attention, the bigger and scarier it becomes.

I was set to go see Tony Robbins in New York City (his UPW event) later that month. I knew that if I could just hang on a little bit longer, that I would be “saved” during his conference. In the weeks leading up to it, I knew I needed to find other ways to distract my mind and find the hope to keep going. 

I remembered about the podcasts and books I was listening to and how they kept telling me to make a vision board. So, I finally gave in. I told God (or whoever is up there- because up until then I hadn’t believed in anything at all but I was desperate) “I surrender, please help me. I don’t want to die but I’ve lost all hope.” I grabbed a blank piece of paper, a few pens and markers and I sat and I wrote. 

I allowed the messages from above to download into my soul and have them transmitted onto paper. I had no idea what I was writing but I trusted the process and knew that I was being guided. Up until then, I thought I had known what I wanted to do with my life. Other than the part of me that kept wanting to die, another part of me was actively working my Professional Home Organizing business and being the best mom that I knew how to be. It was something I was really good at but felt I had a greater purpose. 

I thought I’d share with you what I came up with that day. So, here it is…

My first vision board

That vision board gave me hope. However, as the darkness would, it crept back in again. I had remembered about this girl who did energy healing. I had never really experienced it before but again, I was desperate and I thought to myself, “why not?”

So, I booked an appointment and off I went. Earlier in the day before meeting her, a song popped into my head. One of which I had sang when I was a little girl. I had no idea what it meant when I was younger but I knew it was a sign… “you gotta have faith.”

I kept replaying that song over and over again in my head until I got to her house. It was peaceful and reassuring. Anything beat those negative thoughts that had been running me down for so long.

As I sat down on her couch, she sat across from me and began her practice. All of a sudden, I felt a rush of energy being pulled from my body. I wasn’t sure exactly what she was doing but then all of a sudden she said, “I’m hearing a song. Does this resonate with you? I keep hearing the word Faith being sung.”

I was speechless. 

How could she have known? It’s not like I told her or anything.

From that day forward, I knew I was guided. An by surrendering to that fact, I was going to be okay.

I no longer gave that Monster the driver seat. I knew that it would be possible for the voice to creep back in at any time but as long as I kept my focus on being positive, surrendering to being guided, and trusting that I was going to be okay, that the voice had no power over me. 

My question for you…

Has there ever been a time in your life where the voice in your head had power over you? If so, know that you are not alone. Know also that as long as you do not feed it, that it cannot grow and it will eventually die to nothing. 

If ever you’re feeling like you’ve hit your rock bottom and felt like you’ve lost all hope, know that I am here to listen. Simply send me an email or reach out to me on Instagram or Facebook. Over the years of battling with this Monster, I’ve been able to develop some pretty effective tools to gather into my toolbox. 

I will share those tools with you from now on. If you want to stay in the loop of things, click here to sign up to receive notifications of new blog posts, future events and coaching specials. I’m here to help you find your light so you can shine bright- because we were all put on this earth to shine. 

Love & Gratitude,