To all the past, present, and future binge eaters out there. I see you, and I love you.
I had it all planned out in my head. First I would drive to Tim Hortons and order 2 donuts, 3 timbits and a brownie if they had one. Then, I would drive to Dairy Queen to get a triple chocolate fudge brownie sundae. I would drive to the one that is 15 minutes away because it had a drive threw. Drive threws are important because otherwise, I’d be too shameful to order the food in person.
I’d proceed to sit in my car and indulge in all the food I just ordered. Self-loathing, feeling deep hatred for myself and my yet another binge session.
I tried to overcome it this time, but the obsession over the food was too intense. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t change my focus from the food- or so I thought.
I had to get rid of the garbage afterwards. There’s no way I could let anyone see what I had done again. I also had to go home straight up to my bedroom so that no one asked me questions about where I just was. I didn’t want to lie, but I also didn’t want to tell them about my binge session.
It was controlling my life.
My body became a garbage can. I fed it daily with baked treated, soda, bags of candy, chocolate bars, fast food, and very negative self-talk.
This went on for yearsss!
Hours sitting in my car daily, by myself, eating food. Terrified of becoming obese. Terrified of being alone.
The more I was scared, the more weight I packed on, and the more lonely I became.
I was exhausted, tired all the time, moody, depression, always anxious, and so lonely. I couldn’t understand it and I was desperate for help but didn’t want to admit to anyone my obsession with food.
I was so ashamed! And every Sunday I would say “okay Cass, let’s do this! On Monday, we will stop.”
However, the moment I woke that Monday morning, the obsessive thoughts crept back in and I couldn’t think about anything else other than getting that junk food into my body.
It was comforting. It made me feel full. I thought it made me happy.
I was totally wrong.
It was killing me.
Dear junk food:
I’m learning all about you. Your tricky ways to get me hooked, your temptations everywhere I look, your perceived deliciousness. I see you. And now I know how to not want you. And as long as I listen inwardly and use the tools I’ve developed, I know you won’t want me too.
Things that helped me:
1. Going to the gym the moment I wake up. This allows my mind to be confused by other things (better my mind, strengthening my body, and scheduling in that “me time” I was longing for).
2. Realizing that up until now, it was a real thing- “binge eating disorder”. Recognizing that I was not the only one suffering and having the bravery to face it. Choosing to not embody the disorder as a part of me.
3. Finding a system that allowed me to take breaks from the act of consuming food. Now, it’s shakes twice a day. This has helped tremendously because it allows me to check-in and listen any time I’m having g a craving or obsessive thought, it removes the need to have to think about what I’m going to eat all the time, and it’s quick enough to I can consume a full healthy meal in no time at all. The process has become my friend- and I’m so freaking grateful for it ??
4. Loving myself. I deserve more.
5. Knowing that if I want to be of service to others and be successful in this lifetime, I must treat my body with all the love, care, and respect it needs. That starts on the inside.
If you binge eat, or have in the past, or may in the future- know that you’re not alone. And also recognize that this doesn’t have to be your destiny. I’m here for you.
Follow my Instagram page @cassshenry11 for more posts like this ???